just won a premiership and now he made his goal is to make it to the nrl at the moment his goal is nearly accomplished. he has trained very hard to make his nsw cup debut he has been in the under 20s holden cup , bundi cup and now has made his destination to the nsw cup for this year his goal for next year is hoping to be in the nrl his dream always was to play professional rugby  league in the nrl his dream was to be a vodafone warrior now i want copy him and train as i can to be a famous rugby league star like my brother.  How long have you play sport . What team do you support in rugby.How do you feel being a famous success in new zealand .How did you feel when your video on youtube got heaps of likes on youtube happy ,nervous or sad

I want the reader to feel relaxed I elaborate on each idea with more detail by adding or deleting for clarity

I hear birds tweeting while I'm walking across a thousand years old bridge. I can feel the breeze, fly into me like I am up in the blue sky. I see bushes and trees that has beautiful fruits that catches my eyes and drags me to it. I see lots of colours that shines into my eyes like a glass reflecting into my eyes. I feel the grass waving through my foot while I'm walking on the soil. It feels like I am at heaven. I wonder where I am.

Intention: I wanted the person to feel happy and relaxed. Writing Focus: To add detail and emotion to my Writing.

I hear the beautiful laughter of the joyful children playing around me while I am standing beside the lake. I can feel my self lifting off the ground like I am flying with the wind blowing at me. It was so pleasing for me to be able to come and stand here. I could see the beautiful nature and scenery with the greenish trees and lots of bushes that was so breathtaking it caught my eye. It look just like a painting and depicts one too. The sun was shining in my eyes, it was just the perfect and ideal day to come out and have a stroll. I looked up at the sky and gazed at the beautiful birds soaring in the sky coming down and perching on the side of the railing. What I just saw was so fantastic that I could not bear to leave that place at all. That was an unforgettable moment.

Intention: I wanted the person to feel happy and amazing. Writing focus: Add detail and emotion to my writing.

I am absorbing all of the amazing things in front of me. The spectacular trees and the wet bushes. Frozen lakes and the long and small rivers.  I am just standing on the wind. My wings are getting wet thanks to the fresh water coming from the falling sky. I can remember everything I have seen earlier at my flight. I’m on the wing. There are so many thoughts swirling around my head. The great winter breeze is making me feel so stunning. Looking down at the greenish lake, watching the angel looking things. I have a feeling like that a fish from the lake is following me. I’m just imagining the next beauty I will see. This really is the most staggering thing I have ever seen.

Intention: I wanted the person to feel exited and scared. Writing focus: Add detail and emotion.

I can feel my heartbeat beating as strong as an elephant walking. I'm totally motionless, I froze and can’t move out of all of the spikes in my stomach. I feel terribly frightened, but still feel like sun is going in my eyes and making me feel happy for it.  My eyes are filled with fear, but I am still like a little ant in big world jumping and playing around.  I'm in a pit of thoughts. I'm feeling really blue and my face is red. I'm a bit frightened but still excited, I'm feeling really nervous and confused. Watching colours on other peoples expressions. Just imagining what’s going to happen next at the door to building knowledge.

Intention: I wanted my reader feel excited and delighted. Writing Focus: To add detail and emotion to my Writing

I step out and feel the cold fresh air arising. I feel like I was lifting off the ground as I found myself jumping in joy. I was so elated and delighted that I finally came to New Zealand. My face felt like it was going to turn into ice. This is the first time ever in my life I have been to such an enormous, beautiful country. I could see the broad and wide sky. I felt like I was going to dash right out of the plane and jump out with a parachute.

My jaw dropped with my eye’s wide open when I saw the whole place and where I was.  The scenery just amazed me! I was in high spirits and my siblings were all on the cloud nine, telling jokes and laughing. My siblings and my parents were so contented that we would be here. It was like an illusion, it felt so unreal. It was like I invented it and made it up in my brain. It really felt so much like I was picturing the whole moment in my head, just like a visualisation. It turned out it was reality. I could not deceive myself any more. This is truly the moment I stepped into New Zealand.