William's WF: Controlling the flow of my writing to create tension or excitement. WI : Did the story flow.

The race  

“Three...two...one...go” shouted larry

And of we went, speeding down the hill. We were on Mt ruapehu’s slopes. It had taken us 25 minutes to walk up the hill 2 kilometers with the sleds behind us on a piece of rope. The first turn of the race was the easiest of the race but still it was sharp. Billy was in the lead but we were all gaining on him.

                                                                                                                                                                                                       

Round the bend I was neck and neck with Billy. At the next corner there was only just enough space for one person. I had to make it, I just had to.Come on come on, I was breathing very heavily. Billy slowed down three...two...one YES!!! I had made it. My breaths came slower as I calmed down. I looked up the next corner was looming up and this was the most dangerous of all  cause you had to go around a rock and there was about one and half meters space between another rock. this might sound like a lot of space but when you are going 30 kilometers an hour it seemed like centimeters. I took a big breath here goes. I went through it, I had made it through the turn yippee!

Then I saw Billy had made it through to and was a meter behind me. I saw the finish line,” We were next to each other now. I can do this. The finish line  10 meters away, 6 meters away, my sled hit ice and I spun. I got myself under control. I flashed over the finish line. I had won I HAD ONE!! yay, I climbed out if my sled. By this time the others had arrived “Ready for another race?” I asked.

By William A

WI: To make the reader experience an eruption from a character’s point of view

I woke to the sound of an explosion, like someone had just detonated 1,000 bombs. I figured that I was just imagining things since I was half-asleep, but something made me shot up and without a second thought leaped out of bed and felt for my dressing gown. I felt the soft warm coat that was my dressing gown and made a run for it. I sprinted down the stairs into the garage to get the emergency water supply and while I was at it grabbed a backpack and some blankets. 

I zipped into the foyer grabbed the keys and unlocked the door. As soon as I set foot outside I was blasted with screams of terror and I knew immediately that I had to get out of town. I looked back at the mountain and saw a colossal cloud of ash, it seemed to be moving fast, really fast. Then it hit me, I had read about these in books, when a volcano erupts it can unleash a huge cloud of ash that moves up to 170km/h clearing everything in it’s path. This was no mere ash cloud, this was a pyroclastic flow.

I felt myself going double the speed I was before. I could hear screams of terrified people being burnt alive in the distance which made me run even faster. Now I was darting up the streets and was only about 100m away from safety. I was getting so tired now but I had to keep going. I realized there was an abandoned cabin up on the hill I looked back and had the fright of my life. It was coming up the hill, I was only a couple of meters away and my instincts took over me. The cabin had a deck that was facing away from the pyroclastic flow. I made a dive for it and with my back against the wall witnessed the cloud flow past me at immense speed hearing the screams of everyone who hadn’t made it in time. This was something that would echo throughout my life for the rest of time.

Cormac In tension: To make the reader fell scared and leave it on a cliff hanger. Focus: use punctuation.

I'm going, going gone i have gone down instead of up to a place of happiness and delight and where no bad things happen instead i am somewhere where it smells like feet and hot raspy breath stinking making me real as i descend into the sea of

hands. They grab me and bring me down into the center of the crowd than’ the pain i'm being dragged across the floor and the dirt is going in my hair than cutting my arms and legs ripping my dress to shreds my blond hair stained brown with mud’ then i'm thrown into a room 5 seconds later the walls start closing in on me i scream as they get closer i'm getting claustrophobic i have always been a bit ‘then suddenly just as the walls were about to close in it stops and i'm dragged up stairs hitting my head on the cold stairs each step in till i'm at the top i'm pushed off and i go flying over the high tower this is HELL.

By Cormac

WF: Selecting the most effective phrasing: not over writing WI: To build up suspense

Every night, the same nightmares, plaguing my sleep.

Those stark cold hands, running across my body, giving me severe chills. Grabbing, pulling me down. Leather gloves, and horns of steel. Those red demonic eyes, sneering through their masks. Like … demons from hell.

The only thing that managed to keep them from pulling me down completely, was the golden harness. But with each night that went by. Each sin I had committed. It lowered me down, slowly, but surely.

I guess my sins had caught up to me.

But I had no choice.

It was wrong of me to get mixed with them, and now I was stuck, bounded by chains. They had me completely wrapped around their fingers. I was 'his' puppet he was my master. After the ‘deed’ had been done, there was nothing keeping me in it anymore, apart from my baby sister. My mother on the other hand, ha! She was doing fine.

As fine as you could get in a mental asylum. And with the stress of pregnancy and work, eventually medication wasn't enough to subdue her condition. Putting her in there was the safest option.

Yes, I sold out the person, who gave me life, food and shelter. But I did it all for her and  my sister. My mother was not fit to be caring for a newborn. But I lost my father to her drunken ways.

No, she did not kill him. He just got fed up with how she would drink herself to sleep every night and wake up acting like a she-devil hell. It really was sickening to see her at home, clutching a bottle of vodka with a cigarette in her mouth.

Heck, he was already gone before my fourth birthday, scratch that, ON my fourth birthday, abandoning me without a second thought.

That gave my mum a wake up call. She finally cleaned up her act, getting a job. But that gave her no time to take care of me. Not like she spent any time with me in the first place.

I knew pretty much nothing about her.

I guess that’s why I refuse to call her anything other than ‘mother’.

Hah, a simple nightmare turned this into my childhood story. Mind you, I don’t go telling everyone about my past. But since I've started, I might as well finish the story. But I’ll leave it for next time.

I still have to head towards the hospital.

I haven’t visited my sister in a week.

~To Be Continued~

Intension: Get people to feel scared or excited or any emotions towards my writing by adding twists and unexpected problems Writing focus: Save the drama and sustain the quality of the whole writing till the end

Ugh, 2 more weeks till summer break is over. I gaze at a sea blue dress through a glass window as I begin sipping my smoothie through my straw. I wish I would never have to go to school again....”TORI, TORI! EARTH TO TORI!!!!” I quickly turn to face Stacy with a confused look. Oh yeah. Totally forgot I was at the mall. “Dude, come on have some fun, you’ve been daydreaming all day!” I apologize quickly with a tense face as I turn away again. Seems like going out with my friends just isn’t my thing.

Oh great. Now I can’t daydream anymore. I begin to become aware of my surroundings....for some reason....”look Tori, if today’s not your day then you should’ve said so. You seem pretty depressed today. Go ahead and tell me what’s on your mind!” Insists Stacy

I want to tell Stacy what’s on my mind badly but she would surely think of me as crazy. She wouldn’t understand....Nobody would. I’ve been really intense lately thinking about that hallucination....”Oh umm....Nothing I just feel tired from all the homework that’s all” I lied. Haha, she didn’t reply. She was busy texting her friend. “Umm....Stacy, I don’t feel so good can you please take me back home?” I asked. “AHA I KNEW YOU DIDN’T FEEL SO GOOD” Yelled Stacy. Suddenly, everybody turned to face us.

Now I’m back home...Lying in my bed relieved. Few, finally I’m out of the mall. I was feeling so nervous and pressured since it was my first time out with a friend....

It’s been hours since I was out with Stacy. Now I’m trapped in a tiny room with all the windows closed and curtains shut. Ugh, I can’t breathe. And it’s so hot in here. I get up, open the door and walk outside. With bare feet I step onto the concrete. Really warm and heated. Gosh, I feel like I’m getting sunburnt already! Better go inside again....I turn to face door to go back inside when suddenly I heard a big thump behind me. I quickly turn to face the sun again. Huh? No nobody there. I looked down and see a young girl about my age with her body flat on the hot, boiling concrete. Oh my, did she pass out from the heat?, I quickly ran up to her and put my hand on her back. Then I slowly, flipped her over to face her.

Wow so unexpected.....Her cheeks are so thin that you can see her cheekbones, Her lips were so dry and cracked that you can see little drops of blood bleed out, her black hair was all knotted and long....The most disturbing part was her face...So....Pale?, But that can’t be. It’s summer! Nevermind that....”H-hello???, are you ok???” I mutter. I took my hands of her back and hit my head lightly. I felt stupid asking that question since obviously she wouldn’t be.

I lower my head onto her chest. Good she’s still breathing. I’ve got to call the hospital....I get up from my knees and turn to face the door again when suddenly...Something cold and hard grabs my hand. I look down to see the girl clinging onto my hand, still on the floor.....”I.....found you...”, She whispers with a weak voice.

I could feel my face turn blue as I feel her cold sneering eyes....Is it just me, or is she smirking?....

~Sarah P

WI: To make the reader feel for the zebra WF: To balance the amount of character monologue to the description outside of the character

The crowd begins to roar. I take a step forward and bow my head before flicking it back, allowing my mane to shimmer under the lights. I am part of a travelling circus, called El Magnifico. Very original, I know. Magnifico specialises in showing off some of the world’s most amazing animals.

In the circus, there are lions with golden brown manes, piano playing seals and half a dozen elephants that circle the tent every show, among other equally cool animals.

The second marvel of El Magnifico is the big top. It is huge. Holding up the stripy canvas is three towering masts, connected by ropes for our monkey act. Outside by the train tracks is our parked carriages, painted with bright pictures of sunsets and beaches and mountains, each of our destinations in full colour.

The lights dim, allowing the ringleader to step forwards into the spotlight. He opened his arms wide and gestured to the crowd. “Welcome to El Magnifico! Let’s start the show!” he shouted.

Our ring leader's name is Andrew, and he has an incredibly short temper. When you first meet Andrew, make one wrong move and he will snap. The inflated ego from running El Magnifico is really not helping. Despite all this, I like Andrew. He has been kind to me for all the years I have worked for him, always making sure I have enough hay to eat and space to sleep.

I prepared for my first act, quietly stomping my hooves in a slow clopping motion. My fellow team of zebras strided out to join me. Our task was to run in circles while carrying an assortment of juggling penguins. They waddled into the canvas big top and stood obediently beside their allotted zebra, grasping colourful rubber balls in their flippers.

A match was struck in the darkness. It was placed in a large drum filled with dry firewood and coals, immediately bursting into flame. The crowd collectively gasped. Andrew retrieved his ring leader baton, which was topped with a very pretty ruby. He pointed it towards the entrance to the ring, which was our cue to start.

The show brought in more money than ever. Everybody had loved the duo of the adorable penguins and the graceful zebras. All the animals were given an extra big dinner that night we had enough money left over to patch up various holes in the big top. Andrew was happy, my friends were happy, and best of all, I was happy.

LF - Line Tension (get rid of extra words for sentence structure.) LI - Feel sad and sorry for the character

Learning Goal - Line Tension (get rid of extra words for sentence structure.)

Learning Intention - Feel sad and sorry for the character

My worst nightmare was the crowds…

Everyday more than 10,000 stared at me from across the globe. Day to day each year, they seemed to gaze everyday as they were some kind of photographers. My mind felt the same every single blazing hot day ‘I need to escape this prison these people are driving me mad!’ I thought.

The only time of peace I had, were the cool winter days of grey clouds and wet puddles with the reflection of the shades of grey. No one ever came in winter, they say its too cold, but for me all I can think about is peace away from the crowd monster species, and get almost blinded from all of their magic flashing powers.

'Winter passed far too quickly and I was forced to cower in the corner to avoid the flashes of light and gaping humans.' I felt humiliation in my brain full of hatrid.

One day I thought it was going to be the same old story that I have, but I was mistaken for a little boy felt the pain I went through…

Earlier that Day in the Boys house

“Come on Zac hurry up we’re going to the zoo today,” my Dad shouted. “I’m Coming Dad,” I replied. I jumped down the stairs making a vibration through the entire house. I pounded out the door and into the car and we were off to the zoo!!! The zoo was my favourite place to go during the holidays, I always wanted to feel like one of the animals, so I always studied them closely. Our whole entire family was MAD about the zoo, we made a family tradition that we go to the zoo every year.

The car slowly came to a halt as we were stuck in the traffic that always haunted us…

It seemed there was a crash just ahead but it wasn’t long before we past the traffic and turned the radio knob down again.

At the Zoo

I came outside to see the casual crowds on the fence, time passed and finally it was time for people to come to see me up close. They all seemed to be quite the same apart from one kid, he looked at me in curiosity.

“I’ve never seen a zebra with such sad emotions…,”he said. “Mum, Dad look at him he’s worn out, how can he cope?”

I heard the way of his voice, it seemed quite peculiar to the other voices i’d heard in my life that seemed to last a millenium, it was a calming voice. I felt like somebody might have cared for me.

“What have the zoo keepers done to him, he can’t live like this.”

“I assure you he is under safe care at the zoo..” the zoo keeper said with a tint of guilt of his pale face.